On Tuesday I got to the Brigham by 6am. When I got to John's room what I saw shocked me.

He could barely breathe. His arm had swollen up so that he couldn't move it. He was trying to get on a gurney so that he could go to ct but the nurse and orderly decided to give up after he couldn't gain the strength to get onto the gurney.

I had no idea what to do.

I decided to go across the street into work and grab a few things and come right back. I stopped and spoke to one of the nurses on the way out and asked her what she thought about his condition and she said it was time to circle the wagons.

I still didn't know what to do- so instead I fell apart.

I went into work and told them things weren't looking good but the dr. had not been in yet so I didn't know for sure. That I would be back later and keep them posted. When I got back to the Brigham he seemed to be doing a little better. His mother was on the way and so was the dr. We chatted a bit about absolutely nothing and everything. We talked about the wedding and about how our friends would get along. Kathy came- so i had to leave.

I went to go see my father at the rehab and then came back a little after lunch.

The Dr. had said the reaction to the chemo was what they expected and nothing was too alarming. So I thought things were ok. A couple of friends came to see him. The day passed and though I debated calling his father in Hawaii I waited since the Dr. said it was a normal reaction to all of the chemo. He had a roomate so after dinner and hanging around awhile more I left. We talked through the night a couple of times. He was getting more scared as was I. But I told him to try to rest and I would be there by 5.

Wednesday morning I got to his room and things had drastically changed. He no longer could breathe through just the cannula- they had switched him to the mouth mask which he hated. He kept sitting up trying to gasp for air. The look in his eyes said it all. He was petrified.

I went over to work after spending a little time with him and told them I would not be back until after he was gone. They looked at me like I was crazy- that he was only going through a rough patch with the chemo- but I knew better. I called his father and told him he needed to leave Hawaii. He said he would talk to the Dr. and see but it was probably just a rough patch.

I went back to the Brigham and by the time I got there they were switching him to a room closer to the nursing station. I called his friend Mike to come down. He did and we sat with him through the morning. By midday once again he was feeling better. Mike and Nick- who had gotten there as well- took me down to au bon pain to get something to eat. I realized I hadn't eaten since Sunday but was too nervous to really have anything. Nick gave me a book by Elizabeth Kubler Ross on Death and Dying and I remember thinking- is this really happening?

They convinced me to go to a mandatory training for work that afternoon- it was just next door and they would stay with him- plus his mother was due to get there and that meant I couldn't be there.

I went to the training and fell apart halfway through it and had to leave. I ran into his mother walking back to the Brigham and she said to go back to work- but I couldn't do that either. So I wandered around for an hour or so and then went backto see him.

He was joking around a little and they had changed him to a shovel mask so it didn't cover his mouth which he liked a lot better. They said he was still oxygen starved so they started him on some morphine. I spoke to his dad again who said the Dr. said to hold off on flying out here.

John wanted me to go home and get some rest so I left.