Tuesday, February 27, 2007

withdrawal

i haven't felt much like talking to anyone lately. just am going through the motions of living. not living well but making it. i know all of this family stuff has taken a toll on me. it's just getting harder every day instead of easier which makes every day a nightmare. i have begun to wonder how much pain and suffering any person will witness in their lives. feeling like i have already witnessed more than i feel capable of handling. ever watch a late stage alzhimers patient? that is my father every day for the past 3years but it is finally taking its toll on me. because he isn't going anywhere. there are still years and years most likely ahead of this confusion in his brain where he no longer knows anyone yet knows that they have a reason to be in his life. it's not alzheimers and he can function daily and i suppose i should be grateful for that but how much does it mean to have a family when the family doesn't know that you are family?

so i feel the need to withdraw. my 3 year mark is coming up swiftly. more so the reminders of the most painful days of my life are ahead of me. i feel like the only place that i can really talk is here so i will probably be doing that a lot more in the near future. i hope you will bear with me.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

grey's

Tonight while watching Grey's Anatomy I found myself sobbing. Not just a few tears but outright sobbing.

that brush. those lines. just knowing that they are in the same place as us. it really hit me hard.

since john died there have been so many moments where i have felt that i feel him. not so hard to believe in the beginning where all you want to do is feel them. but as time wore on those moments disappeared.

lately though they have been back. just the other day i was walking into work and got into the elevator and i swear i could feel him. of course he had been there with me numerous times but it was like he was there and for that moment everything felt undisturbed. everything was upright and correct i nthe world. for just that one second. and then he was gone. and i was shaken to my very core.

maybe it is like the show said. for one moment that was us. that is all we have now. those moments. and as much as i wouldn't trade my current happiness for anything i still live for those moments where everything feels almost perfect again

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

odd

so this morning i woke up crying and hyperventilating. I had been dreaming about my engagement ring. i couldn't remember what it looked like....

so i took it out when i got dressed this morning and put it on today. first time i have worn it in about a year and a half- i put it on my right hand and wore it all day today. but still the whole thing is odd to me.

it feels odd, my nonmemory of it was odd, it's just been an odd day. so much a part of me and yet not a part of the new me. just plain odd.

Monday, February 19, 2007

don't judge a book

I have a great passion for reading- developed at an early age by my parents- two teachers if I have never mentioned that before. Growing up I used to read a book a day- I had to- that was the rule in our house. Even now because of the large amount of my life spent on public transportation I read about a book every other day.

For most normal people this would mean getting a library card. I however have a problem with libraries. Somehow I never remember to return the books- causing a great fear in me that I am on the most wanted posters in libraries and won't be allowed through the doors without alarms going off and security guards rushing me.

So in having this problem it has caused me to spend an inordinate amount of money at b&n. Like more money than I pay in rent. It was a sad state of affairs. But then I discovered this. A service like netflix but for books. I figure this will save me enough money that I should have that downpayment on the house in no time ;)

I took a look at my list today as I just returned 2 books and will be receiving 2 more this week. I always have 4 out at a time. But in looking at my list i am realizing how eclectic my tastes are. I have a fair amount of chick lit on there- because most of the time i like to read frivolous stuff. But then I have some poly sci books, some psychology books, some classics. I'm all over the map.

The book I am reading now- which I suggest everybody at some point in their lives read one of his books is by Jonathon Kozol- a sociologist that did most of his studies in poverty and its effects on children and society in general. Currently I am reading Rachel and Her Children, but the first book I read by him was first semester freshman year in college- Amazing Grace. This book literally changed my life. I was in college as a chemistry major but after reading this book changed my major to Political Science with the hopes o one day working to change this society. Hopefully one day that will happen- in the meantime once a year I read this book to remind me of how life is for some people, how lucky I was to grow up the way I did. How lucky I am to be able to read it in the first place. If you have a chance pick it up. It's so worth the time it will take you to read it. It will change your life- I guarantee it.

Amazing what the power of the written word can do. Sometimes I take that for granted. Off to turn off the tv and do some reading.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

so C. is sick. and in him being sick I have discovered he is about the biggest baby you could ever imagine. granted i think my sympathetic nerve for men being sick was used up with john however.....

he has the stomach flu.... you would think that he was dying.

yet more and more every day i am falling in love with him- and i think seeing him this vulnerable has been good. sometimes we just need the reminder that we aren't superhuman.

the really sucky part is that i can't see him until he is better since i can not risk even getting the slightest bit sick right now

Saturday, February 17, 2007

cancer

As you may have noticed I have added a fight cancer badge to my blog. I came across another blog of another young widow who had one on hers and if you want one of your own you can find them here: acswebbadge.org

They state at the site that you should do one of these things if you put a badge up on your site:

What does it mean to say “I Fight Cancer”? When you display an “I Fight Cancer” badge on your blog, you commit to one or more of the following: -Write a blog entry on your experience with cancer-Invite 5 bloggers to display the badge-Talk to your friends and family about getting screened for cancer-Wear a matching American Cancer Society wrist band-Get involved in local American Cancer Society events and programs, like Relay For Life or Making Strides Against Breast Cancer.-Or, make a donation.

I am choosing to do the first one-- I do a bunch of the others as well but I don't think I have ever spoken directly of cancer here before so I am going to try

Cancer

cancer seems like it has always been a part of my life. I remember when I was very little being told my grandfather had died of it at a very young age. In third grade my grandma was diagnosed with throat cancer and lived for three miserable years with it. My uncle had a form of it as a late stage development of HIV. All of these people. All of this suffering. Yet I still did not know what an impact cancer would have on me

Cancer is my job. It is my livelihood. If there weren't people with cancer I would be unemployed. If research was not needed my skill set would have no value. Yet what I wouldn't-or any one that I work with - wouldn't give to be unemployed. I work at one of the top cancer institutes in the country. Just the other day a friend said to me, "I don't know how you can work there- I was there for 10 minutes and couldn't look around at the sadness that exists behind those doors." But why I work there is for the reminder that people can actually live with this disease. That even with my small part of the whole we are helping to make sure more and more people live with this fricking disease.

Too bad when it mattered most it couldn't help me. I lost my John to 4 months of colon cancer. 4 months of living, breathing, feeling the havoc this disease wreaked on his and my life. 4 months of knowing that as long as i live i will always be trying to make sure no one went through what we did. 4 months of knowing that cancer is just a disease- it is not the person. it is not what makes and comprises a person- it is so limited.

one of my friends had sent this poem to me and i believe it is so true:

Cancer is so limited that:
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit

houses

So being 29 edging closer to 30 I definitely have been thinking lately that it's time to make somewhat of a grownup step and start looking at houses. Interest rates are ok. My credit is doing good. Im starting to feel financially ok. So maybe it's time. So I have started looking.

1st issue. I live in Massachusetts. Home of the housing bubble. EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERYTHING is too pricey. I have looked at condos, houses, multi families. I have looked in the city, in the suburbs, up by the New Hampshire line, down by Rhode Island. I have now come to the conclusion the only places to look are west and south. But by west I mean really west- like past Worcester west. More like past the Connecticut line west.

Now I make a decent living. I don't really have too many expenses. how is it that I feel like I can't afford a simple 2 bedroom condo. I will tell you why. Even though housing prices are "falling" they have not fallen to the affordable level yet- i don't know if they ever will. Unless affordable eans spending 300,000 on 900 square feet and no yard.

I think about where I grew up. A nice house- 4 bedrooms- 2 baths- a large yard. I know that the house that I grew up in cost about 100,000. It is now appraised at 700,000. Why? it's the same house. It's in the same crappy town. It's older - I just don't get it. But what I do get is that I want to have a house like that someday.

I grew up in just that one house. There wasn't a "starter house" mentality back in those days. Now I am approaching real estate like a starter house, maybe a middle house and then finally the house that I want.

That is unless I move. Which I am back to debating- though that raises another huge debate. But it does get depressing when this is what 150,000 can get me where I would like to relocate to:
http://www.realtor.com/FindHome/HomeListing.asp?snum=5&mlsttl=&frm=bymap&pgnum=1&mls=xmls&js=on&target=&ct=Durham&st=NC&sbint=&sbls=&sblo=&stype=&areaid=1046&mnsqft=&fid=so&vtsort=&mnprice=150000&mxprice=99999999&mnbed=0&mnbath=0&typ=1&poe=realtor&x=9&y=7&sid=0812678ADDCBC&snumxlid=1066870899&lnksrc=00001

and here is what it gets me here:

http://www.realtor.com/FindHome/HomeListing.asp?snum=31&locallnk=yes&frm=bymap&mnbed=0&mnbath=0&mnprice=0&mxprice=150000&js=off&pgnum=4&fid=so&stype=&mnsqft=&mls=xmls&areaid=1004&poe=realtor&ct=Boston&st=MA&sbint=&vtsort=&sorttype=&typ=1&typ=2&typ=4&x=55&y=4&sid=081268531AFFC&snumxlid=1056409875&lnksrc=00001
just something to think about

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

new layout

feeling a little bored tonight and started playing around--- here's the new look... do you like it?

Sunday, February 11, 2007

just a quick update on me and my life

brother and father hospital update- my brother is doing ok. hopefully released this week. my father is my father. this situation has not been good for the past 3 years. it's probably not going to get any better. dave told me at least i had a chance to say goodbye and in some ways he is right. in ther ways i never had the chance- the father that i knew growing up is long gone and no i din't have the chance to say goodbye. one seizure and he was gone. some days he can remember he had a daughter and some days no. some days i am 6 years old and other days non-existent. no matter what he doesn't know me as i am today. that hurts more than anyone might ever know.

job update- my job is driving me crazy. i am absolutely bored. i've told my boss i need a challenge but i don't know if that has sunk in with her or not as nothing has changed and it has been a while- close to a year.

c. update- i could say more than a few sentences about him and maybe he deserves his own update later on this week. we are together- we are mostly happy- his life is insanely complicated and i still wish that were partly different but at the same time i wouldn't trade him in for anything. if anything it makes me want to hold onto him more.

other updates- i need to start writing more- there has been so much going on. there are stories i wish to tell. there are emotions that i need to sort through. all of it needs time. but generally life is good- complicated but good

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Dave, fathers, and friendship

As I have said before there are certain friends in my life that really do just make my life. D or Dave is one of those people

Dave was one of John's friends. Actually he is the person that pushed John to finally get it over with and meet me. Actually he asked me out on a date with John before John did. Never spoke to the boy before in my life yet here he was asking me to meet john at a dinner that all of his friends would be at. We didn't meet that night but met shortly afterward.

I never met Dave until John got sick. I didn't talk to him too much until that point either. But when John got sick Dave was one of the few friends that was ok visiting him in the hospital and even treated him the same way unlike some of his other friends.

I don't remember seeing Dave at the funeral or wake though I know he was there. There were just too many people and I was in an extreme fog. But I do remember signing onto aim about a week after the funeral and Dave immediately said hello. He told me that he hoped that I wouldn't disappear from his life just because John was gone. From that point I knew that we were to have a very special friendship.

We talk every day online. We have helped each other through so much. We have had our fair share of arguments. Lately things haven't been so good between us. I think his relationship has changed him. He thinks that things have changed but can't put a finger on exactly what.

Then on Tuesday I got a text message from him that his father had died. Words can't begin to tell you the sorrow that I feel for him. At the same time it has brought some feelings to the surface for me that make the situation just difficult.

You see about 2 weeks ago my father had a seizure. Tests revealed that another tumor is growing. He is refusing surgery. We just decided last week to enter him into visiting nurses- sliding down the road to hospice care.

I feel so guilty that I have had the last 3 years to patch things over with my father and I am still not ok that he may soon be gone- sooner rather than later. Yet here is my closest friend - more like a brother- who lost his father suddenly on the other side of the world. What I wouldn't give to trade places. To let Dave have a chance to say goodbye and to let myself not watch the misery of death that we know my father is going to experience.

I am not going to the services. I can't watch that happen to my friend. I know that's so selfish of me, but knowing what looms in my future I just can't do it to myself right now. On top of the logistics. The services will be in Brooklyn, the shiva in Staten Island and Connecticut. On top of my father, my brother is in the hospital along with his girlfriend because of a car accident. They both might be released this week but in any case I need to be home right now. Dave doesn't know any of this. I don't want to tell him until after everything is said and done, after he gets home from packing his father's apartment in Korea.

But it must appear to him that I just don't care- when the reality is I care so much. Without Dave I would not have made it I don't think after John's death. He kept me going every day. He still does. I guess the question is how to be there for him without being there- because I can't be there for my best interest.