as i have mentioned before c. is divorced. and sometimes i notice how different his mindset is compared to mine....
divorced: she might cheat on me
widowed: he might die on me
divorced: when is it going to fail
widowed: when will he get sick
divorced: 6 out of 10 marriages will fail
widowed: everyone dies
divorced: im scared of screwing up
widowed: im scared of losing him
divorced: i need to protect my heart
widowed: i need to protect my heart
in the grand scheme things are great with c. it's just that sometimes we are on completely different pages. tonight was one of those nights. but we will be fine. we just need to find a middle ground and remember what we have in common- that we are both scared but also both excited at the possibilities.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
friends unexpected
I have often said in real life that i could write a book about my travels on the MBTA, the buses that I take every day to get to work and home. Between the smelly people, and the ones that get way too close, the wonderful language that the teenagers use shouting down the bus and the number of accidents, breakdowns, and even police pullovers that have happened it's never a dull moment.
At the same time I have met some wonderful people. For 3 years I took the same bus at the same time every day. There were a bunch of us that always spoke to each other, we got to know each other pretty well. Bill the banker, Krista the tech, Meg the student and me. We started to go out about once a month after work with our significant others. This was back when I was dating John. We would all go out. And I must admit that we had a great time, but that people in the restaurant must have wondered about us. Bill is in his fifties and would bring his daughter who was a tween, Krista was in her forties, and me and Meg were in our twenties. Actually Meg got engaged the same weekend me and John did. So there we were, and after John got sick these 3 people held me together every morning. Meg was in nursing school and could explain some stuff I didn't understand. Krista worked at the hospital John was in and could check on him when I couldn't be there. Bill's sister had just gone through the same battle and he supported my emotions and helped me prepare for what could be next. And then John died. He died on a Saturday, on Tuesday I had a card in my mail from a return address that I didn't know and from a name I didn't recognize. The card just said, "It sucks. I know. I'm here when you need me." No name on the inside. It was a big mystery and I just couldn't figure out who this card was from. I moved. I stopped taking that bus. One day I ran into Bill at CVS and he was carrying his briefcase with his initials embossed. It was then that I knew exactly who that card was from. Bill is his middle name.
Since then I see Krista and Bill every once in awhile. Meg has moved but we still email. I ran into Krista the other day and hugged her till I couldn't anymore. She has had a rough road in front of her and I haven't seen her in awhile but it was like no time had passed at all.
Now i have new friends on my new bus. Jess and Scott. Jess and I go out about once a week. We talk about our boys. We gripe about our jobs. We cry together sometimes. Her mother was run over 2 years ago. I know what she is talking about when she is having a bad day- she knows where I am coming from when I have one. Scott is kinda like a big brother figure-- checks in-- makes sure our men are treating us well, makes sure we are behaving. Very much appreciated.
For as much time as I have spent on busses and for as many freaks and weird occurences that have happened I don't think I would trade it for driving by myself in a car every day. These people that I have met have been unexpected but so welcome. SO the next time you are on a bus or a train please say hello- you never know who is sitting next to you--- unless of course the person tries to grope you- then change seats as quick as possible! yes, a story for another day.
At the same time I have met some wonderful people. For 3 years I took the same bus at the same time every day. There were a bunch of us that always spoke to each other, we got to know each other pretty well. Bill the banker, Krista the tech, Meg the student and me. We started to go out about once a month after work with our significant others. This was back when I was dating John. We would all go out. And I must admit that we had a great time, but that people in the restaurant must have wondered about us. Bill is in his fifties and would bring his daughter who was a tween, Krista was in her forties, and me and Meg were in our twenties. Actually Meg got engaged the same weekend me and John did. So there we were, and after John got sick these 3 people held me together every morning. Meg was in nursing school and could explain some stuff I didn't understand. Krista worked at the hospital John was in and could check on him when I couldn't be there. Bill's sister had just gone through the same battle and he supported my emotions and helped me prepare for what could be next. And then John died. He died on a Saturday, on Tuesday I had a card in my mail from a return address that I didn't know and from a name I didn't recognize. The card just said, "It sucks. I know. I'm here when you need me." No name on the inside. It was a big mystery and I just couldn't figure out who this card was from. I moved. I stopped taking that bus. One day I ran into Bill at CVS and he was carrying his briefcase with his initials embossed. It was then that I knew exactly who that card was from. Bill is his middle name.
Since then I see Krista and Bill every once in awhile. Meg has moved but we still email. I ran into Krista the other day and hugged her till I couldn't anymore. She has had a rough road in front of her and I haven't seen her in awhile but it was like no time had passed at all.
Now i have new friends on my new bus. Jess and Scott. Jess and I go out about once a week. We talk about our boys. We gripe about our jobs. We cry together sometimes. Her mother was run over 2 years ago. I know what she is talking about when she is having a bad day- she knows where I am coming from when I have one. Scott is kinda like a big brother figure-- checks in-- makes sure our men are treating us well, makes sure we are behaving. Very much appreciated.
For as much time as I have spent on busses and for as many freaks and weird occurences that have happened I don't think I would trade it for driving by myself in a car every day. These people that I have met have been unexpected but so welcome. SO the next time you are on a bus or a train please say hello- you never know who is sitting next to you--- unless of course the person tries to grope you- then change seats as quick as possible! yes, a story for another day.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
he makes me so happy... i don't think i have ever laughed more in my life... and yet he can be so serious at the same time.... together we make a very complete pair..... the only hard part is missing him so much... but even that has gotten so much better.... everything is so good.... wonder when i will stop trying to convince myself
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
3 years
3 long years.
and yet all i can see is what is ahead of me
yes I miss him- more so now than in those first few months- because back then I missed him as a being. his physical person. now i miss him not in the physical but more in the whole person he was. who he was. who i was with him. those things that not just a physical presence can give comfort to.
at the same time i see clearly who i am right now- who i want to be in the future. and although that doesn't physically include him- it will always include him
3 years- more than 1000 days. but once again it comes down to will 3 years and one day feel any different than today.
every day i miss him- not every day is quite as painful as today- but it is stil there- lying beneath the surface.
today i choose to let it come out a little bit- embrace the pain just a little- and then i choose to live with it. living is the only way to make any bit of sense of it- to just live- to just keep breathing-- to just be.
so 3 years has brought me to here- to this place that is not quite peaceful all the time but still has its moments of peace.
for that i am thankful
for him i am thankful
and yet all i can see is what is ahead of me
yes I miss him- more so now than in those first few months- because back then I missed him as a being. his physical person. now i miss him not in the physical but more in the whole person he was. who he was. who i was with him. those things that not just a physical presence can give comfort to.
at the same time i see clearly who i am right now- who i want to be in the future. and although that doesn't physically include him- it will always include him
3 years- more than 1000 days. but once again it comes down to will 3 years and one day feel any different than today.
every day i miss him- not every day is quite as painful as today- but it is stil there- lying beneath the surface.
today i choose to let it come out a little bit- embrace the pain just a little- and then i choose to live with it. living is the only way to make any bit of sense of it- to just live- to just keep breathing-- to just be.
so 3 years has brought me to here- to this place that is not quite peaceful all the time but still has its moments of peace.
for that i am thankful
for him i am thankful
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
enough
when i was little i used to believe that love was enough. that would cure anything and solve anything. maybe because i was largely unloved most of my childhood and thought that would cure it all.
as i got older i thought maybe love and nurturing would do the trick. that would solve my problems if people cared about me enough to both love me and guide me the all of the problems would just disappear
as a teenager i thought that love and nurturing and companionship would be enough. after all how could a person feel alone if they were with someone. or at least the problems that seemed so big could be fought as a team
as a college student i thought that love, nurturing, companionship, and motivation would be enough. that if i strove for answers i would find them. if i was ambitious enough then maybe the ever elusive love would find me.
it did as a young adult- all of those things finally fell into place- love, nurturing, companionship, motivation, and strength. i found them all in one person. and for one split second there was nothing that couldn't be handled. nothing that couldn't be solved and nothing too far out of reach. and after that split second my world shattered and he was gone. and with him he took all of those things plus the newly discovered happiness.
and then i found that i had love, nurturing, companionship, motivation, strength, and happiness within myself. they were just buried out of reach. they were sinking further and further into the quicksand of my being. and one person- one person helped me find all of that and dig them out. and to that dave added trust. that it would be enough-- love, nurturing, companionship, motivation, strenth, happiness, and trust would be enough to solve everything.
for two and a half years it took all the patience in the world to believe that i would one day feel all those things. that they were within reach- that it wasn't just the split second with john that i could feel that completeness. that it could be mine if i just had patience everything would be ok.
and it is.
for the second time in my life i feel loved, nurtured, motivated, strong, happy, trustful, and patient. i also feel lucky... so incredibly lucky. the problems aren't solved. they might never be. i will always come from an unstable family with a chaotic background but somehow they don't matter as much. C. has brought all of this into my life. at the same time there is a list of things that he has also given me on top of all of this. he makes me laugh every day. he makes me smile. he lets me cry. he understands when no one else does.
it is enough.
everything is ok.
it really and truly is.
and this time even if something happens where it all falls apart in another split second i finally have the courage to put it all back together again
these men- john, dave, and cleo (C) have taught me the value of myself, that everything i will ever need is within myself
and it is enough.
as i got older i thought maybe love and nurturing would do the trick. that would solve my problems if people cared about me enough to both love me and guide me the all of the problems would just disappear
as a teenager i thought that love and nurturing and companionship would be enough. after all how could a person feel alone if they were with someone. or at least the problems that seemed so big could be fought as a team
as a college student i thought that love, nurturing, companionship, and motivation would be enough. that if i strove for answers i would find them. if i was ambitious enough then maybe the ever elusive love would find me.
it did as a young adult- all of those things finally fell into place- love, nurturing, companionship, motivation, and strength. i found them all in one person. and for one split second there was nothing that couldn't be handled. nothing that couldn't be solved and nothing too far out of reach. and after that split second my world shattered and he was gone. and with him he took all of those things plus the newly discovered happiness.
and then i found that i had love, nurturing, companionship, motivation, strength, and happiness within myself. they were just buried out of reach. they were sinking further and further into the quicksand of my being. and one person- one person helped me find all of that and dig them out. and to that dave added trust. that it would be enough-- love, nurturing, companionship, motivation, strenth, happiness, and trust would be enough to solve everything.
for two and a half years it took all the patience in the world to believe that i would one day feel all those things. that they were within reach- that it wasn't just the split second with john that i could feel that completeness. that it could be mine if i just had patience everything would be ok.
and it is.
for the second time in my life i feel loved, nurtured, motivated, strong, happy, trustful, and patient. i also feel lucky... so incredibly lucky. the problems aren't solved. they might never be. i will always come from an unstable family with a chaotic background but somehow they don't matter as much. C. has brought all of this into my life. at the same time there is a list of things that he has also given me on top of all of this. he makes me laugh every day. he makes me smile. he lets me cry. he understands when no one else does.
it is enough.
everything is ok.
it really and truly is.
and this time even if something happens where it all falls apart in another split second i finally have the courage to put it all back together again
these men- john, dave, and cleo (C) have taught me the value of myself, that everything i will ever need is within myself
and it is enough.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Monday, March 05, 2007
have you ever...
saw this at pentha's looked like fun figured why not...
1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone you love
8. Said "I love you" and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity (hello jimmy fund!!)
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (does the car ride from the funeral home to the church count?)
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married--( don't i wish this was bold some days....)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish)
89. Had a one-night stand
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house
92. Been in a combat zone
93. Buried one/both of your parents
94. Been on a cruise ship
95. Spoken more than one language fluently
96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Written articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Ridden a bike
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and the Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care- i wish it was hospice instead of a cold sterile hopital room in the cancer ward
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair- since i was 14!!
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life - does my own count??
i am surprised that i have done so many things or felt so many things- some days it feels like i have barely started living
1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone you love
8. Said "I love you" and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity (hello jimmy fund!!)
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (does the car ride from the funeral home to the church count?)
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married--( don't i wish this was bold some days....)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish)
89. Had a one-night stand
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house
92. Been in a combat zone
93. Buried one/both of your parents
94. Been on a cruise ship
95. Spoken more than one language fluently
96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Written articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Ridden a bike
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and the Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care- i wish it was hospice instead of a cold sterile hopital room in the cancer ward
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair- since i was 14!!
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life - does my own count??
i am surprised that i have done so many things or felt so many things- some days it feels like i have barely started living
Friday, March 02, 2007
3 separate posts- one very mixed up girl
ever feel happy, sad, and miserable all at the same time? that's where i am today... might as well get it all out in one post instead of 3...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
happy....
i have a boyfriend! ok this might not be ground breaking news seeing as i have been seeing the same man for the past 9 months-- however-- he finally has used the label and is agreeing to my use of it. stupid i know but this is in fact progress. he thought that the "b" word shouldn't be used until he is able to make more of a time commitment... but today has thrown all caution to the wind... this little word has me abslutely beaming and i would be incredibly happy except for....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sad....
it is now march. not a lot of good memories found here. i can barely belive it will be 3 years on the 13th. so far it's not the crushing of emotions i have had the past ew years more like the drone of white noise. that there is something sad that is making me generally sad but not overwhelming like in years past. years... did i just say years plural? yikes. theres that rush of sadness. i know i will make it through it- it's just so sad. its not that i miss him so much as that i miss who i got to be with him. almost fearless, almost trusting that happiness doesn't just vanish, almost believing that life can be good. almost... but not quite. i feel a little sad that john will never meet c. (how weird is that) . i think he would like him. at times they can be very simlar but of course so completely different. is it weird to be sad about that? im also incredibly sad that john can't see all the changes that are taking place in his friends' lives. i don't really know too much firsthand because of what i said a few months ago. but i do know that one of his friends is expecting a baby in a few days, another has bought their first house, and yet another has made some major life decisions just in the past few weeks. this last one is what makes me feel....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
miserable...
dave has made some major life decisions in his life lately. and i wish i could just be supportive of them but in all honesty i am not. and because of these decisions i really don't feel i can stay a part of his life. i cant hide my feelings about them nor can i pretend like i agree. this has made me absolutely miserable. dave had become like a brother to me and i cant picture my life without him in it at the same time i cant picture keeping my mouth shut for years on end. i really dont know what to do-- but for right now i am letting myself feel the loss of this friendship because even if things can somehow be fixed they will never be the same.....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
happy....
i have a boyfriend! ok this might not be ground breaking news seeing as i have been seeing the same man for the past 9 months-- however-- he finally has used the label and is agreeing to my use of it. stupid i know but this is in fact progress. he thought that the "b" word shouldn't be used until he is able to make more of a time commitment... but today has thrown all caution to the wind... this little word has me abslutely beaming and i would be incredibly happy except for....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sad....
it is now march. not a lot of good memories found here. i can barely belive it will be 3 years on the 13th. so far it's not the crushing of emotions i have had the past ew years more like the drone of white noise. that there is something sad that is making me generally sad but not overwhelming like in years past. years... did i just say years plural? yikes. theres that rush of sadness. i know i will make it through it- it's just so sad. its not that i miss him so much as that i miss who i got to be with him. almost fearless, almost trusting that happiness doesn't just vanish, almost believing that life can be good. almost... but not quite. i feel a little sad that john will never meet c. (how weird is that) . i think he would like him. at times they can be very simlar but of course so completely different. is it weird to be sad about that? im also incredibly sad that john can't see all the changes that are taking place in his friends' lives. i don't really know too much firsthand because of what i said a few months ago. but i do know that one of his friends is expecting a baby in a few days, another has bought their first house, and yet another has made some major life decisions just in the past few weeks. this last one is what makes me feel....
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miserable...
dave has made some major life decisions in his life lately. and i wish i could just be supportive of them but in all honesty i am not. and because of these decisions i really don't feel i can stay a part of his life. i cant hide my feelings about them nor can i pretend like i agree. this has made me absolutely miserable. dave had become like a brother to me and i cant picture my life without him in it at the same time i cant picture keeping my mouth shut for years on end. i really dont know what to do-- but for right now i am letting myself feel the loss of this friendship because even if things can somehow be fixed they will never be the same.....
Thursday, March 01, 2007
good things
on the positive side of life because there needs to be a positive i am spending part of my weekend in a lamaze class.... no it's not me that is having a baby... but i am very excited to serve as a coach to one of my very good friends who has decided to take the very courageous step and purposefully becoming a single parent. i have great admiration for her and cannot wait for b's arrival.
i have said many times in my life that if i am single at a certain point in my life that i would become a mother. i want a child. i know i would be a good mother. of course watching the logistics of my friend handling this has brought me into a reality of sorts, it's a lot harder than just being a good mother. or being a good mother involves a lot more than just loving your child. no matter what though b. will be a very blessed and lucky child and i can't wait to be an "auntie"
i have said many times in my life that if i am single at a certain point in my life that i would become a mother. i want a child. i know i would be a good mother. of course watching the logistics of my friend handling this has brought me into a reality of sorts, it's a lot harder than just being a good mother. or being a good mother involves a lot more than just loving your child. no matter what though b. will be a very blessed and lucky child and i can't wait to be an "auntie"
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