maybe if i somehow talk this out here it will be easier to explain in real life.....

i am at a crossroads.

I am not enjoying my job at all lately. if you work for three quarters of your life shouldn't you enjoy it?

so with that in mind i thought about what i would like to be doing- and where i would like to be

the answer once again is not boston. it's north carolina. don't really know exactly why there- but it is definitely there.

one tiny problem-- or actually a major one. C.

i know he would never move there- not with his daughter up here. i also know i don't want to live my life without him in it. at the same time i'd like to know a little better that he envisions his life with me in it as well- that i am not placing all my faith in something that is truly there.

at the same time if i stay in boston just because of him is that settling?

i told him tonight that i wanted to give it till the end of summer and see where we are at before i make any decisions. but as soon as i said it it sounded like an ultimatum. and that's not how i meant it at all.

i don't care if we are still where we are at at the end of summer as long as it is a little clearer to me where he is at. i'm not ready to live with him yet. im definitely not ready for anything even bigger than that. i just want to know that i am not staying in boston to wait for him to never want anything more.

he told me i need to do what makes me happy. he makes me happy. boston does not make me happy. the hardest part about leaving would be leaving him- i know it wouldn't work long distance. i also know that if i left here i would never come back to live here.

i just don't want him to feel like i want to leave him. i definitely don't. i just want to know that i am staying for the right reasons.

ugh i hate decision making. i hate feeling like i am pressuring him to a larger step. i hate feeling like this. i just want to be able to communicate a little clearer.

anyone have any suggestions.. input.. guidance??