ever feel happy, sad, and miserable all at the same time? that's where i am today... might as well get it all out in one post instead of 3...
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happy....
i have a boyfriend! ok this might not be ground breaking news seeing as i have been seeing the same man for the past 9 months-- however-- he finally has used the label and is agreeing to my use of it. stupid i know but this is in fact progress. he thought that the "b" word shouldn't be used until he is able to make more of a time commitment... but today has thrown all caution to the wind... this little word has me abslutely beaming and i would be incredibly happy except for....
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sad....
it is now march. not a lot of good memories found here. i can barely belive it will be 3 years on the 13th. so far it's not the crushing of emotions i have had the past ew years more like the drone of white noise. that there is something sad that is making me generally sad but not overwhelming like in years past. years... did i just say years plural? yikes. theres that rush of sadness. i know i will make it through it- it's just so sad. its not that i miss him so much as that i miss who i got to be with him. almost fearless, almost trusting that happiness doesn't just vanish, almost believing that life can be good. almost... but not quite. i feel a little sad that john will never meet c. (how weird is that) . i think he would like him. at times they can be very simlar but of course so completely different. is it weird to be sad about that? im also incredibly sad that john can't see all the changes that are taking place in his friends' lives. i don't really know too much firsthand because of what i said a few months ago. but i do know that one of his friends is expecting a baby in a few days, another has bought their first house, and yet another has made some major life decisions just in the past few weeks. this last one is what makes me feel....
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miserable...
dave has made some major life decisions in his life lately. and i wish i could just be supportive of them but in all honesty i am not. and because of these decisions i really don't feel i can stay a part of his life. i cant hide my feelings about them nor can i pretend like i agree. this has made me absolutely miserable. dave had become like a brother to me and i cant picture my life without him in it at the same time i cant picture keeping my mouth shut for years on end. i really dont know what to do-- but for right now i am letting myself feel the loss of this friendship because even if things can somehow be fixed they will never be the same.....
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1 comment:
Thank you so much for commenting on my blog! I know what you mean about being mixed up, happy and sad at the same time. Our situations are similar but I can't imagine exactly what you've been through. I do hope to see you around again. I know I'll be back.
(and thanks for delurking. I was wondering who that might be, reading from where I'm assuming you are.)
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