huh

it's amazing to me that i am acutally in a place where i can actually question the future... that marriage, kids, happiness, and fulfillment all seem reachable somehow.... who would have ever thought that when 2 years ago i just figured i had to give up on all of those dreams.

differences

so things with c. and i are really good. i am always afraid to get my hopes up but we both definitely feel something. which is great- don't get me wrong. i can't remember feeling this happy- at least i haven't been this happy in a very long time.

but tonight i need to focus on our differences. because there are many and because i just need to talk them out.

c. is black. i have never dated a black man. i wasn't really raised to be focused on things like race. i went to school in a very diverse city in high school. i had friends of all races. its never been a big deal in my life. however since i have started to date c. i have noticed how closed minded and hypocritical people are- people that include my own "friends". you would think every time that we go anywhere people have never seen a biracial couple. people do tend to stare and make comments- and it's not like i live in a rural area-- i live 10 minutes outside of boston. then the comments that my friends have made-- it scares me. i wasn't brought up like that, i have never lived my life like that- yet somehow i have people in my life who are incredibly closed minded- and that is now coming to the surface. at what point do i just cut them out- as i would never feel comfortable bringing c. around them. nor do i feel comfortable staying friends with them even if me and c. don't end up together.

for me personally the fact that c. is black doesn't really affect me. maybe it should... but the only way that it really has is that it has just opened my eyes to how far we still have to come as a society. i think i would like him even if he were green....

another difference between us is our age. there are 14 years between us. he is 42 and i am 28. yes this is a very large difference. it bothers him tremendously. i would be lying if i said it didn't affect me- however it will never affect me to the point where i would end it based solely on that. i definitely don't feel like a "normal" 28 year old. being a widow kind of always makes you feel a lot older than what you should. i have learned that age is never going to matter- when you are supposed to go - you're going to go. john was 30 years old and "perfectly healthy" and yet he still died. age is never going to stop my happiness. but then when we talk about the future- about what we both want- c. will have another kid- possibly 2- but was he planning on it-- no. he feels he is too old. he feels like he won't be able to make me happy- little does he know it doesn't take much- the only thing that i need is someone saying good morning to me. he says he is working on it in his own mind. i feel like this will be the thing that either makes us or breaks us.

he is also divorced and has a child. i have never been married and don't have any kids. i think for me this is the biggest difference in us. i think that i always thought that i would be first in a person's life until our child came along. instead m. (his daughter) comes first in c's life and always will. but at the same time i find that so admirable. he totally loves her and is incredibly close to her. she is his life- and honestly it shouldn't be any other way. just hoping that he continues to find space in his life for me.

there are of course other differences- but those are the major ones. but i feel like as long as we continue talking about where we both stand that it will all be ok. at least for now i am enjoying the moments and just trying to take it one day at a time

what if....

There was a question on the board today in one of the posts that has me thinking a lot....

Would he have been with me the way I am today? Or more importantly would I have been with him as I am today?

I have thought about this kind of frequently over the past I would say 6 months. I really don't think he would be with me as this person that I am today- and as much as I hate admitting to that- I still think it's almost a good thing.

When I first met John I had just turned 25.I was still very hung up on what had happened in my past and very insecure in myself. I never thought anyone was going to like me- that I didn't deserve to have anyone like me. Yet he appeared in my life- wanting to take care of me, protect me, and be my partner.

I am no longer that person that I was. I will admit to having strength now. I will admit that not everyone has had to "get over" the things that I have in my life. I am more outspoken. More confient and aware of myself. And more focused on enjoying each day and not as goal oriented as I once was.

I think he liked the fact that I was timid. That he was the outspoken one and I would hang back. That he could give me things in my life that I had never had- security, love, a family, a confidant.

But now I have had those things- and I am a better person for it. I don't need the security of another person, I have found it in myself. I have felt what true love is and don't need to find it again- if I happen upon it that's great- but I don't need it in order to survive. I have finally realized that my family are the friends that surround me in my life- for the good and the bad. He is still my confidant- but I am also more willing to confide in myself and face my own reality.

I really don't think that I would be the person that he was looking for as I am now. Nor do I really think that he would be the one for me either. But I guess that is what life is about- changing and growing and learning and struggling. Nothing stays stagnant in life- I am very glad that I haven't.

Does it mean that I don't love him anymore-- hell no. I will always love him. It just means that not only do I love him for being him- I love him for showing me the way to myself.

father's day

today is father's day. a day to honor our fathers- whther they are our birth fathers or those people in our lives that have filled that spot- giving guidance, encouragement, and whatever else we need.

i have a father. one who i do love very much. but also one who wasn't exactly the best dad a person could wish for. i had a very tumultuous upbringing. abusive, argument-ridden, and just plain nasty at times. i basically ran away to college- no longer wanting to be anywhere near my parents-who at the time were getting divorced- a very nasty divorce. i was no longer speaking to my father and hardly speaking to my mother. this was my life up until novemeber 9th 2003.

on that day the phone rang quite early in the morning. it was my brother. my father was in the hospital. he had a brain tumor. inoperable. they'd be there in an hour to take me to the hospital .the drs said he had less than 24 hours to live.

how do you stand at the bedside of a person who you should feel so much for in your life to say goodbye- when in your heart you're not that sad at all. there were many times of hurt and sadness in my life and that moment was just not one of them.

we managed to get him moved to a better hospital in boston the following day where one of the worlds leading menangioma surgeons operated on him. after a few more surgeries he is well today and happy.

our relationship is very weird to some people but works for us. the drs had told me that the tumor was so large that it had been growing for about 20 years- and during that time he probably wasn't really the person that he wanted to be. it altered his personality and his moods. i feel like over the past 3 years i have gotten to know the father that i missed out on growing up. no i have not forgotten what happened in my past- but i forgive him and we are fairly close. i don't see him often- maybe once or twice a year- but we talk every week and he has become a great strength in my life. so today he is one of many people who i honor

i also honor john's dad- who was truly a wonderful father to his son- and is a great father figure to me. i can't imagine the pain in losing a child. he has lost both of his. yet he has taken me under his wing as his own. the support he has given me in all kinds of circumstances amazes me every time i think about it. this man that has lost so much never really dwells on what he has lost but on how to contribute to the lives of his "kids". both me and his 3 stepsons.

i also honor the man i am dating-c. he is honestly one of the best fathers i have ever encountered. he spends as much time as possible with his daughter. he puts her first- loves her with everything he has and truly treasures his time with her. it's such a great thing for me to see. and i truly honor the commitment that has has made to her.

so on this day where we are to honor our fathers i honor all the ones that have touched my life. i also mourn the one that i wished had a chance to become the wonderful father i knew he could be. i also honor all of those that are serving dual roles in their kids lives right now. every day they amaze me and their kids are so lucky to have them.

what's mine is never truly just mine

ever since john died i feel like my life has been on public display. every move... every decision... every breath that i take feels like it is public knowledge. as many times as i have requested that i not be a topic of discussion among our friends i find out that i am.

today was the latest time that i have found out anything and it is still upsetting me. a few of my friends know about c. he has only met r. he has not met any of the friends that were john's and are now mine... but some of them do know about him. today i find out that k. and m. have been discussing the fact that they don't think he is the right person for me with our other friends.

there are so many things that are so wrong about this and upset me so much. first of all it's none of their business. this is my life and these are my choices and being with c. has been such a wonderful experience so far. they try to pass it off as concern- they don't want me to be hurt.... they don't want me to put myself out there so much...blah...blah... blah.... I think that what it truly boils down to is that they think that he isn't right for me because there are a lot of differences between us. he's black, divorced, 42, and has a child. I know that there has been discussion about all of this and it drives me fricking crazy. He's a terrific guy, who actually cares about me, understands about john, is a fabulous father, and just an all around decent person who makes me happy. but none of that counts for anything.

i want my life back. the one where i was able to be in a relationship and people didn't talk about it. the one where i wasn't worried every 3 seconds that people were talking or that i was the topic of the day. yes john died. yes it sucks- more than they will ever know. yes i have made mistakes since he died. but no i am not going to go jump off a bridge, run off to vegas and get married, or decide to adopt 14 children from china. so give me my freaking life back and leave me the hell alone!!!

update on all things me

so just a little update--

budget season is over! :) big YAY!!!! i hate working 22 hour days!!

c and i are doing very well-- a still hesitant and still afraid of getting hurt- but am putting myself out there more and more-- and he doesn't seem to be getting too scared or running away... :)

all the wedding stuff for the various people over the summer seems to be shaping up-- though anyone have any good ideas for a sober bachelorette party in boston-- yes somehow i have a very good friend who hates to drink--- not that i like it that much myself-- but she won't touch a drop of the stuff

anal retentive boy (arb) still is not done unpacking his crap and my apartment still looks like a cyclone has gone through it -- and it is driving me up a wall. even c. thinks that i am rightfully upset and considering his patience tolerance is a lot higher than mine..... well it's saying something.

all in all--- still happy--- still calm-- still content (thanks pentha for adding that word into my vocabulary!) . I feel like i really have turned a corner-that everything really and truly is going to be ok

a weekend in maine

i was talking on the phone yesterday to k. A very good widow friend who i love dearly and miss very much since she lives in illinois. She pointed out that it was just a little over a year ago that we finally met in maine at the bago. when anyone on this journey points out a timeline it gives you a chance to reflect on that and how much you have grown and changed in a year or a month or whatever that time may be... and yesterday i was given that opportunity.

i remember heading up to maine with k. who had flown into boston the night before- full of trepidation. was i crazy? going away for a weekend with a bunch of people i had never met. i was only 27 -what was i doing going on a widow's weekend? turns out that weekend was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. it was a real turning point in my grief journey and for that i will always be grateful.

over the course of the first night k. and i met up with s. and l. the four of us were together most of the day saturday. these 3 women who made me laugh and made me cry- got me to open up more than i had in the past year. k.and s. were less than a year out- me and l. just past a year. the wisdom that they had and the trials that we had all faced were amazing to me. there were so many similarities.

then of course there was sunday- the flower launch into the ocean. john had never wanted to be buried- he had wanted to be cremated and his ashes he wanted to be spread off the coast of castine in maine-- not that far from where we stood. but his mother had forced a traditional catholic burial. something that did not sit well with me. on that sunday i finally felt like john was in the place where he wanted to be. when i dropped that flower into the ocean and it didn't come back like the rest of them on the waves i knew there was a reason. in that i found great peace.

a year later i thought about the 4 of us now. l. is married and has moved close to k. she is happy and that truly is all that matters. s. is also on her way to the altar. she is a woman of great strength that i admire so much. and k.- k. my wonderful friend. my touchstone in this journey. i am so proud of her. she is utterly happy with t. they are now living together and she has done so much for herself and for the community.

as for me, i am also moving along. i have done things in the past year that i never thought myself capable of. i bought a car by myself, i've said goodbye to a few friendships that were never healthy, i've opened myself up to living again. and also to loving again. i am happy. i live every day in amazement of the things that have happened in my life and am so grateful for this journey... for in this journey i have had to lose the person i loved , i also have gained the first person that i should have loved in this life. i have learned to love myself.

i will never be the person that i was before. but now i don't really think of that as a bad thing- i now will admit to having strength, to being stubborn, to being spiritual, to being able to be hurt in a much deeper way. the walls that i had built up around myself have proven to be penetrable. i am a softer and more caring person and i have learned that not only is that not a bad thing but in admitting to what i would have viewed before as weaknesses are really great strengths.

who would have ever thought that a bunch of widows on a weekend getaway in maine would have changed my life so much. but they did and still continue to do that every day.

rain, rain go away

so we are yet again in the middle of a rainy day here in boston....
it's really beginning to be tiring... day in, day out... no sun

i never noticed how much the weather affected my mood till after john died... then i noticed big time

the rain brings on the tears and the gray matches my mood... at least most of the time.. and then the sun comes and with the sun new hope that things will be alright.

needless to say almost a month straight of all rain has not been a great thing

at the same time i am noticing now that i find the sun even when there is none

i had posted yesterday about c. and i but have deleted it.... sometimes you just have to put things in writing to feel better... i did that.. and now i do. things are still great with him and me and i am sure that we will continue to get to know each other...

it's important in the rain and the fog to create your own sun and see your own rainbows. i see mine...

i am not saying c. is the only reason that i am happy lately-- there are actually plenty of reasons... but having a man call you beautiful even on the darkest of days definitely can add to that...

now if only the real sun could come out and shine down... i think it would make a world of difference around here

losing him

"you let him go when he died-- what's left to let go of??" this statement was said to me at work today- in the middle of a meltdown no less. but it got me to thinking- what really is there left to let go of that has me so scared to lose.

not him- not his eyes- his smile- his weird facial gestures. not his muscular legs- the goatee that we both loved. not his lips- or his nose. those have been gone for a long time. he has been gone for a long time. then what is it?

not our future together--- the beautiful wedding we were to have-- the children we looked forward to- the house we had just started hunting for. those dreams were never to happen....i had to let go of them the moment he died

not the memory of our first meeting, our first date, our fist kiss, our first...., his proposal.... sometimes i try so hard to let those memories go but they will always remain with me

his sickness, the hospital, the treatments, the prognosis, his last week alive... these will always haunt me- the nightmare that will never leave my life

maybe i shouldn't be scared at all of losing him- even if i try i will never let him go.

weddings....

i am oddly looking forward to this weekend. i don't usually look forward to wedding activity type stuff now. it usually makes me sad. but seeing as this is katie and matt- who i love dearly and who mean so much to me i couldn't be happier to go to katie's shower. should be a fun weekend.

this is the summer of weddings for me- i think i have four between july and october- and am in one of them. a sign that we are all getting older and really and truly starting our lives.

i was the first of our friends to get engaged. makes me think of what we had planned for our wedding. i didn't want a shower-i think that they are the most boring thing on the face of the earth. there's only so many times you can get excited about a cookie sheet. (my attitude might be different if i spent any time at all in the kitchen!) we were going to be married in a little church by the water in salisbury. then have the reception on the water in hampton. of course us being us it was to be in november-- probably one of the coldest and dreariest times you could be at the beach. but we wanted to be married around thanksgiving becasue we felt we had so much to be grateful for- and by the water as it was where we both found peace and true meaning. it was going to be very large- much larger than either of us truly wanted but we just kept watching the guest list grow and grow out of control. john had so many friends and relatives in his life- his side alone was wavering around the 240 mark.

it's funny now because i know i would not want any of that if i were to be married. i want simple. a few people on a beach or in a church or something. maybe a nice dinner afterward. i think so many people focus on the wedding and not on the marriage. the marriage is what lasts forever. the wedding is over in a few hours.

no matter how i think though i am excited for katie and matt, and cheryl and tony, and cindy and steve, and laura and james. they all are great couples and i am sure will be very happy.

now off to my girls weekend :)